Category: Uncategorized

Candace Coston, LCSW

Humans naturally want to be part of a pack, to be included. This desire comes from a biological need for survival. For our ancestors, being solitary meant danger, higher risk of attack, or even death. As civilization advanced, the consequences for not being part of the pack no longer had life threatening consequences; yet, social isolation or not being socially accepted have created new consequences, and with that the drive to avoid those consequences. The desire to avoid the consequences of social isolation or not being socially accepted, has given rise to peer pressure, mob mentality, cliques, and other groups.

People can sometimes give into peer pressure, and act in ways that go against their values or sense of self, minimize their wants and needs, or even change who they are to be included in a social group. The need to be a part of something can sometimes clash with an individual’s boundaries and personal values.

Psychological boundaries are guidelines developed by people about how they allow themselves to be treated by those around them. Psychological boundaries are not frozen or unchanging concepts, they can depend on circumstances, situations, values, people involved, physical needs, and emotional needs. Psychological boundaries can be soft or hard, hard boundaries are limits that under no circumstances can be crossed or violated, soft boundaries are limits that can change based on emotional state, people involved, and situation.

Later articles will explore boundaries even more in the context of sense of self, friendships, relationships, and social situations.

What are your feelings about yourself and how do you talk to yourself? Are these things keeping you from achieving everything that you want in life? Do you talk to yourself like you would a friend, or like someone you hate with every fiber of your being?

What would you do if you could accomplish anything you set your mind to? Can you imagine waking up in the morning and feeling excited about the day ahead rather than sitting in bed with a sense of dread and impending doom growing as you prepare for another day of drudgery at a miserable job that you hate?

Are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationships and maybe feel taken advantage of or taken for granted? Do your friends and family tell you that you are a doormat or that you need to stand up for yourself? Maybe you notice it is easy for you to do all kinds of things for other people but when it comes time to do something for yourself you just can’t seem to find the time. Maybe you don’t feel like it’s worthwhile or think you are being selfish if you do things for yourself.

Do you start to feel overwhelmed with other people’s problems? Maybe you feel like they are your problems, or they are going to become your problems later, so it’s best to jump in and fix the situation before it comes to that.

Do you find that speaking up for yourself is hard and that you tend to avoid conflict and confrontation because it is so uncomfortable? Maybe you want others to like you, or think highly of you, or have a positive, approving opinion of you. You think that you won’t get what you want by asking for it and assume others will say no. When you’re angry you use passive aggressive behavior like the silent treatment or banging things around instead of talking about the problem and your feelings and working it out. Does this sound like you?

All of these things are leaving you feeling lonely, unheard, depressed, anxious, and lacking in confidence. The good news is that all these things are fixable!

You can boost your confidence with the help of a counselor.

We are here to help! Counseling with a licensed professional can help you learn to identify some of the thinking traps that are keeping you in situations that leave you feeling this way. A therapist can teach you new skills to regulate your emotions and to start challenging these thinking traps. You will identify new ways of seeing situations and of talking to yourself about yourself. Over time you will notice that your discomfort fades and your feelings of strength, confidence, and empowerment grow.

Feeling stuck? How (ACT) counseling skills can help

This type of treatment is designed to help people who feel stuck in a rut to move away from behaviors and thoughts that are keeping them stuck, and instead move forward in the direction that aligns with their stated values and behaviors and ultimately allows them to thrive.

It can be easy to get caught up in loop thinking that leads to a crippling spiral keeping you stuck, or worse, limits your ability to be hopeful and motivate yourself to do the very things that will make you feel better.

These negative thinking patterns are scripts that you repeat to yourself like, “I’m such a failure, why bother trying.” This thinking then leads to behaviors that cause the thinker to distract themselves by doing an activity that does not move them in the direction of achieving the goals that they have developed, and instead keeps them stuck.

People have difficulty recognizing when their actions don’t align with their values. When people fall into a rut they may forget what their values are.

ACT treatment helps the receiver to identify their values and the behaviors that lead in the direction of their values, and to identify the thinking loops that keep them stuck and the behaviors that draw them away from their values.

Uncomfortable sensations come with moving away from our values. People often use avoidance to deal with these feelings. These behaviors tend to be mindless and the person is frequently not aware of the purpose of these behaviors.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps the person receiving services to begin to recognize these patterns and behaviors that are keeping them stuck and to see these things from a different angle. This allows them to begin to make different choices that lead toward their stated values by committing to new behaviors.

By: Dr. John Loranger

In 2019, a dark cloud enveloped our world much like the Black Plague did several centuries ago. This darkness was the beginning of the Pandemic, which we have not experienced as a country in over 100 years. We didn’t know what to expect or how to handle things during the first years of the pandemic.

Due to these unknowns, which affected people around the world, the virus not only affected our physical bodies, but affected our mental state as well. The darkness of this unknown virus created an increase in both the level and intensity of people’s experiences in their world and brought an avalanche of emotions leading to worsening depression and anxiety. Both can be a bear to deal with, and people’s heightened awareness of their physical symptoms can increase their levels of both anxiety and depression. I have noticed that the clients I have been working with have been experiencing an increase in their anxiety to the level of panic attacks. This can feel like their heart is racing to the point that they feel as if their heart will jump out of their chest.

The important task here is to enable a client to move towards a goal of controlling their anxiety and not having the anxiety control them. When someone comes to see me,they describe their anxiety like a runaway horse which scares the crap out of them to the point that they feel like they may experience symptoms that could do damage to their bodies or worse. This feeling of being helpless to control something in your body only escalates the symptoms. This leads to a spiraling upward of their fear that things are out of control, and they may even feel like they could die from the experience. As a therapist, it is important to help a client regain control of their own body and understand how their defense mechanisms are only protecting them from what their mind perceives as danger. So, when someone understands that they are not going to die, they begin to have a handle on their body’s physiological functions and they can take command of their current thinking. Once this happens, they can grasp the concept that they can start to control their body’s responses, once they understand the mind-body connection. But until then, it can feel like someone is going down a dark rabbit hole with no way to see out of it. It can be scary, and anyone can feel helpless if they don’t understand what is driving the perceptions of the outside world and how their bodies are responding to these perceived threats.
But have no fear, with the right guidance a client can learn to reclaim control of their fears and the resulting anxiety. Once this happens, it is as if a light comes on in their brain.

If you are experiencing these issues which scare you, know that it is not the end of the world for you or your family. You can be guided through the darkness of the unknown, and have a new perception of the darkness of anxiety. You can move beyond the dark cloud of doubt and recover from the symptoms of pandemic anxiety.

Here are 5 tips to help reduce panic and pandemic anxiety:

• Learn as much as you can about how the alarm system in your brain works. The more that you know about the brain/body connection, the easier you will find it to control your anxiety.
• dentify the triggers that cause your anxiety to increase.
• Use self-soothing techniques like grounding, yoga, meditation, and music to learn what soothes you in a way that reduces your anxiety.
• Every technique does not work for everyone, so try different techniques that have calmed you down in the past, but also try to experiment with new techniques.
• The most important thing that you can do for yourself is to be gentle on yourself, as we all tend to be our own worst critics.

• Having trouble sleeping
• Feeling physically sick and your stomach is tight
• Change in your appetite
• Crying and can’t explain why
• Avoiding people and activities you used to enjoy
• Making a big life change (even if it seems positive)
• Having problems in your relationships with others
• Using substances to cope with unwanted feelings
• Getting angry easily and having trouble identifying your emotions
• Avoiding dealing with things that you need to do
• Procrastinating
• Feeling the need to be perfect all the time
• Being consumed by the problems of others and trying to fix them
• You are hurting yourself
• Beating yourself up with negative self-talk
• Frequently feeling hopeless, ashamed, or anxious
• Mood swings with no explanation
• Avoiding social situations
• Worrying a lot about what other people think about you
• Someone close to you told you they think you need therapy
• Intense emotional reactions that you can’t control
• Aggression
• Feeling unappreciated and used
• Feeling like you should be at a different place in your life
• You want to make a big change
• Expecting others to live up to your expectations
• Wanting to understand yourself and your thinking and choices better
• Wanting to make better choices
• Needing to talk to someone who doesn’t have their own plan for you
• Wanting to change but feeling stuck

Sometimes having someone to talk to who has no agenda other than your best interest can be a relief. Counselors are here to listen to your thoughts and feelings and help you understand your own thinking and feelings. Have you ever noticed that sometimes saying something out loud sounds much different than it does when you’re thinking it in your head? This is one of the reasons that counseling is so beneficial. It helps you to hear yourself by having your thoughts reflected back to you and to think about your thoughts from a different angle.

Counseling provides a safe, confidential space for you to say things out loud you may never have said before and to process that with a trained professional. People ask all the time, “Is that normal?” Many times people think they are so very different from everyone else but in counseling they find that a lot of other people have the same problems and think about things in the same way. As mental health professionals, we can help you find your path and walk it with confidence.

How your critical inner voice and negative self-talk sabotages your potential and steals your joy.

By: Anneke Johnson, MA, LCMHCS, LPCS, MHC, NCC

Of all of the issues that people present with in my practice, I find that low self-worth and self-esteem are at the core of many of the issues that escalate into anxiety, depression and other disorders.

What we tell ourselves about ourselves becomes the narrative of our lives. We create our own autobiography with these repeated phrases that lead to more and more dissatisfaction with ourselves, with our lives, and with the world around us.

The negativity becomes so complete that you begin to project that negative energy out into the world and as a result, attract more negativity into your life. Negative self-talk stems from beliefs that you develop about yourself over time based on your assumptions about or actual feedback given to you by others. If you continue to reinforce these negative assumptions and feedback over and over, you begin to believe them.

Consequences of Negative Self Talk

After a long period of repetition, negative self-talk becomes a habit; it is a routine that you repeat throughout the day, every day for years and years. The longer it goes on, the more work it takes to unravel the negativity that you have imposed upon yourself to the point of developing a belief. Maybe it started with a harsh critical parent. Maybe your parents were great but you decided that you were not and kept looking for evidence to support that there was something wrong with you. Maybe you had some bad experiences at school or in other community settings that led to inner criticism. Maybe you have been comparing yourself to social media peers or celebrities who appear “perfect.” Whatever the initial source, the constant repetition by your own brain has led to this thought becoming a belief about yourself. Beliefs are deeply held and much harder to change than thoughts.

Some of the consequences of negative self-talk include: depression, anxiety, relationship issues, career issues and more. Imagine if you had unlimited confidence and you truly believed that you were capable of anything you set your mind to. The potential of what you could achieve would be unlimited!

Tips to change negative self-talk:

Step 1: The first step to any meaningful change is recognition. You have to identify what you are doing and when you are doing it. Try to catch yourself in the midst of these thoughts and notice when it is happening. Are there triggers to these thought patterns? How do they spiral from the initial thought to becoming out of control?

Step 2: Begin challenging the thought with more reasonable thoughts. Sometimes it is difficult to identify when a thought is irrational and even more difficult to accept that it is not true. Your brain is SURE it’s true! It has repeated it to itself over and over again. How could it not be true? Sometimes these beliefs are so deeply ingrained that you don’t even recognize that they are negative or could potentially be untrue.

Step 3: Practice gentle self-compassion. Stop expecting perfectionism of yourself and/or others. Begin using affirming statements. Examples are: Nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes, it isn’t that big of a deal, I’m still a good person, etc. Start allowing yourself to be human and to make mistakes and to learn and grow from them rather than tear yourself down.

Ask yourself, what would I tell my best friend in this situation? Would I offer the same harsh critical comments to a friend that I would to myself? The way that we talk to ourselves becomes the very truth of our existence. The good news is that it is completely within our own control. It is one thing to hear negative things about ourselves from others. Generally, it is very watered down from the nastiness we deliver upon ourselves and it’s another thing to add our own insults to that injury.

If you find that you are having difficulty recognizing when you are using negative self-talk or being able to successfully challenge thoughts, reach out to a therapist for help. Therapists can listen objectively and begin to point out your critical self-statements and work with you to reframe your thinking to begin to develop a more balanced view of yourself.

What are signs of low self-esteem?

• saying negative things and being critical about yourself
• joking about yourself in a negative way
• focusing on your negatives and ignoring your achievements
• blaming yourself when things go wrong
• thinking other people are better than you
• thinking you don’t deserve things
• not accepting compliments or minimizing them
• avoiding challenges for fear of failing
• being overly upset by disapproval or criticism
• feeling sad, depressed, anxious, ashamed, angry, or worthless

Low self-esteem may come from experiences as a child. Maybe you had trouble fitting in at school. Maybe you felt like it was impossible to live up to the expectations of your parents. Children who come from households with histories of physical, sexual or emotional abuse also develop low self-worth. These circumstances can lead to ingrained beliefs a person develops about themselves.

Young girls and teenagers may be subject to unhelpful messages and ideals portrayed on social media and in the media generally, that lead them to believe that their worth is based on how they look or behave. This may lead to low self-esteem and negative thoughts about their self-worth. Difficulty with your performance at school or being bullied can also cause low self-esteem.

Stressful life events, such as a negative or toxic relationship, a bereavement or serious illness as well as physical changes and changes related to aging may also cause low self-esteem.

What are the outward effects of negative self-talk and low self-esteem ?

If you have low self-esteem, you may have difficulty with relationships and problems at work or school. You may become very upset by criticism or disapproval and withdraw from activities and people. You avoid doing anything where you may be judged or compared to other people.

Some people with low self-esteem stop caring about their appearance; alternatively, some over-compensate by always being perfectly groomed.

You could also have problems with your body image, use substances or alcohol as a way to cope, or begin to withdraw from social situations and interactions with others because of your perceptions of what they may be thinking about you.

Teenagers with low self-esteem may use alcohol or drugs to feel better or to fit in, may have poor body image, and may have sexual activity earlier than their peers as a way to gain perceived approval and acceptance, which unfortunately tends to be fleeting and ends up reinforcing negative self-worth and self-talk.

What health problems are associated with low self-worth?

Low self-esteem may be associated with health problems such as depression and anxiety, eating disorders, social phobia, attention deficit disorder and substance abuse. Low self-esteem can also cause you to lose out on opportunities because you don’t believe in yourself, or have the trust and faith in yourself to take chances. Eventually, predicting negative outcomes can lead to a vicious circle of attraction and self-fulfilling prophecies.

How to improve the way you feel about yourself and improve self-esteem

think about things you are good at — What are your strengths?

• frequently those with feelings of low self-esteem and self-worth are unable to identify any strengths and focus solely on areas they feel need improvement.

celebrate the small things in your life — give yourself a pat on the back when you achieve even a small thing

• rather than focusing on the things you didn’t accomplish throughout the day, focus on the tasks you completed and the things you did accomplish.

Work with a therapist to learn how to challenge your negative thinking— look for alternative explanations and put things into perspective

• sometimes the things you think others are thinking are really just your own thoughts about yourself projected onto them.

think about things you can change — don’t worry about things you can’t change

• ask yourself is the situation within my control? If not, how can I let it go?

avoid trying to do things perfectly — perfection is not possible

• perfectionism and low self worth go hand in hand…

stop beating yourself up if you make mistakes — everyone makes mistakes

• it’s hard to stop beating yourself up when it becomes your habit. Receiving therapy can help you retrain your brain to begin thinking about yourself in new ways.

do things you enjoy — it’s easier to be positive when you are doing things you like

• pick activities that make you feel good about yourself, try to avoid social media and the news and spend more time with people face to face.

be with people who don’t bring you down

• there’s a saying – you become like those you surround yourself with. Build relationships with people you respect and want to be like.

volunteer to help people — this can make you feel better about yourself

• volunteering can take the focus off of you and put it into others, while leaving you with a sense of accomplishment or self-value.

exercise — it can improve your mood

• the more time you spend in nature and doing physical activities, the better you will feel.

Boundaries are sets of internal rules that help you to protect your time, energy and emotions. Boundaries are like a protective barrier around you to limit the impact that the outside world may have on you. Boundaries are rules for you, not rules for others. The only behavior you can control is your own, and if we’re being honest, many times that is hard enough!

There are two types of boundaries:

• Internal Boundaries (what goes out): These are rules you set for yourself about how you will behave in the world. When you set boundaries for yourself, you are developing a way of interacting in the world. You decide what you will and won’t do to others and the way that you will treat the people you encounter. Internal boundaries also dictate what you will and won’t do to yourself. For example, “I don’t work weekends” is an internal boundary. “I will only eat 1500 calories per day,” “I will speak to others in a calm tone,” “I will take two weeks vacation per year,” “I will not drink and drive,” “I will not have sex on the first date.” All of these are boundaries that we may or may not make for ourselves to manage our behavior and protect ourselves. Everyone has different boundaries for themselves.
• External boundaries (what comes in): These are rules you set for yourself about how you expect others to treat you. When you set external boundaries, you are establishing rules for engagement. Typically, these boundaries are formatted as expectations about how others will treat you and your planned response if others do not respect those boundaries. The most common external boundary is saying, “No.” When someone asks you if you want to do something and you say no, this is implementing an external boundary to protect your time, energy or emotions. Other boundaries may be, “It’s not ok to hit me,” “It’s not ok to call me names,” “It’s not ok to take my things without permission,” “It’s not okay to touch me there.” These are examples of external boundaries that you set that determine what you will accept from others. The important part of external boundaries is to decide what you will do if the other person crosses this boundary once it has been established. “It’s not okay to call me names, and if you do, I will leave,” “It’s not ok to yell at me, and if you do I will leave.” It’s impossible to force others to respect your boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you have to stick around when they don’t.

Signs your boundaries are being crossed…

• You feel guilty – Do you feel guilty even though you haven’t done anything wrong?
• You find yourself making excuses for someone else –Do you find that you end up making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior instead of letting them take responsibility for their own actions.
• You do things you don’t want to do, and have trouble saying NO – Do you do things you really don’t want to do because you don’t want to deal with someone else’s disappointment or negative reaction?
• You feel angry, used, unappreciated, disrespected – Do you have trouble with feeling as though others are taking advantage of you because they don’t expend the same effort as you do or don’t jump in to “help” the way you have or would?