Boundaries are sets of internal rules that help you to protect your time, energy and emotions. Boundaries are like a protective barrier around you to limit the impact that the outside world may have on you. Boundaries are rules for you, not rules for others. The only behavior you can control is your own, and if we’re being honest, many times that is hard enough!
There are two types of boundaries:
- Internal Boundaries (what goes out): These are rules you set for yourself about how you will behave in the world. When you set boundaries for yourself, you are developing a way of interacting in the world. You decide what you will and won’t do to others and the way that you will treat the people you encounter. Internal boundaries also dictate what you will and won’t do to yourself. For example, “I don’t work weekends” is an internal boundary. “I will only eat 1500 calories per day,” “I will speak to others in a calm tone,” “I will take two weeks vacation per year,” “I will not drink and drive,” “I will not have sex on the first date.” All of these are boundaries that we may or may not make for ourselves to manage our behavior and protect ourselves. Everyone has different boundaries for themselves.
- External boundaries (what comes in): These are rules you set for yourself about how you expect others to treat you. When you set external boundaries, you are establishing rules for engagement. Typically, these boundaries are formatted as expectations about how others will treat you and your planned response if others do not respect those boundaries. The most common external boundary is saying, “No.” When someone asks you if you want to do something and you say no, this is implementing an external boundary to protect your time, energy or emotions. Other boundaries may be, “It’s not ok to hit me,” “It’s not ok to call me names,” “It’s not ok to take my things without permission,” “It’s not okay to touch me there.” These are examples of external boundaries that you set that determine what you will accept from others. The important part of external boundaries is to decide what you will do if the other person crosses this boundary once it has been established. “It’s not okay to call me names, and if you do, I will leave,” “It’s not ok to yell at me, and if you do I will leave.” It’s impossible to force others to respect your boundaries, but that doesn’t mean you have to stick around when they don’t.
Signs your boundaries are being crossed…
- You feel guilty – Do you feel guilty even though you haven’t done anything wrong?
- You find yourself making excuses for someone else –Do you find that you end up making excuses for someone else’s bad behavior instead of letting them take responsibility for their own actions.
- You do things you don’t want to do, and have trouble saying NO – Do you do things you really don’t want to do because you don’t want to deal with someone else’s disappointment or negative reaction?
- You feel angry, used, unappreciated, disrespected – Do you have trouble with feeling as though others are taking advantage of you because they don’t expend the same effort as you do or don’t jump in to “help” the way you have or would?