Month: June 2023

Candace Coston, LCSW

Humans naturally want to be part of a pack, to be included. This desire comes from a biological need for survival. For our ancestors, being solitary meant danger, higher risk of attack, or even death. As civilization advanced, the consequences for not being part of the pack no longer had life threatening consequences; yet, social isolation or not being socially accepted have created new consequences, and with that the drive to avoid those consequences. The desire to avoid the consequences of social isolation or not being socially accepted, has given rise to peer pressure, mob mentality, cliques, and other groups.

People can sometimes give into peer pressure, and act in ways that go against their values or sense of self, minimize their wants and needs, or even change who they are to be included in a social group. The need to be a part of something can sometimes clash with an individual’s boundaries and personal values.

Psychological boundaries are guidelines developed by people about how they allow themselves to be treated by those around them. Psychological boundaries are not frozen or unchanging concepts, they can depend on circumstances, situations, values, people involved, physical needs, and emotional needs. Psychological boundaries can be soft or hard, hard boundaries are limits that under no circumstances can be crossed or violated, soft boundaries are limits that can change based on emotional state, people involved, and situation.

Later articles will explore boundaries even more in the context of sense of self, friendships, relationships, and social situations.

What are your feelings about yourself and how do you talk to yourself? Are these things keeping you from achieving everything that you want in life? Do you talk to yourself like you would a friend, or like someone you hate with every fiber of your being?

What would you do if you could accomplish anything you set your mind to? Can you imagine waking up in the morning and feeling excited about the day ahead rather than sitting in bed with a sense of dread and impending doom growing as you prepare for another day of drudgery at a miserable job that you hate?

Are you feeling unfulfilled in your relationships and maybe feel taken advantage of or taken for granted? Do your friends and family tell you that you are a doormat or that you need to stand up for yourself? Maybe you notice it is easy for you to do all kinds of things for other people but when it comes time to do something for yourself you just can’t seem to find the time. Maybe you don’t feel like it’s worthwhile or think you are being selfish if you do things for yourself.

Do you start to feel overwhelmed with other people’s problems? Maybe you feel like they are your problems, or they are going to become your problems later, so it’s best to jump in and fix the situation before it comes to that.

Do you find that speaking up for yourself is hard and that you tend to avoid conflict and confrontation because it is so uncomfortable? Maybe you want others to like you, or think highly of you, or have a positive, approving opinion of you. You think that you won’t get what you want by asking for it and assume others will say no. When you’re angry you use passive aggressive behavior like the silent treatment or banging things around instead of talking about the problem and your feelings and working it out. Does this sound like you?

All of these things are leaving you feeling lonely, unheard, depressed, anxious, and lacking in confidence. The good news is that all these things are fixable!

You can boost your confidence with the help of a counselor.

We are here to help! Counseling with a licensed professional can help you learn to identify some of the thinking traps that are keeping you in situations that leave you feeling this way. A therapist can teach you new skills to regulate your emotions and to start challenging these thinking traps. You will identify new ways of seeing situations and of talking to yourself about yourself. Over time you will notice that your discomfort fades and your feelings of strength, confidence, and empowerment grow.

Feeling stuck? How (ACT) counseling skills can help

This type of treatment is designed to help people who feel stuck in a rut to move away from behaviors and thoughts that are keeping them stuck, and instead move forward in the direction that aligns with their stated values and behaviors and ultimately allows them to thrive.

It can be easy to get caught up in loop thinking that leads to a crippling spiral keeping you stuck, or worse, limits your ability to be hopeful and motivate yourself to do the very things that will make you feel better.

These negative thinking patterns are scripts that you repeat to yourself like, “I’m such a failure, why bother trying.” This thinking then leads to behaviors that cause the thinker to distract themselves by doing an activity that does not move them in the direction of achieving the goals that they have developed, and instead keeps them stuck.

People have difficulty recognizing when their actions don’t align with their values. When people fall into a rut they may forget what their values are.

ACT treatment helps the receiver to identify their values and the behaviors that lead in the direction of their values, and to identify the thinking loops that keep them stuck and the behaviors that draw them away from their values.

Uncomfortable sensations come with moving away from our values. People often use avoidance to deal with these feelings. These behaviors tend to be mindless and the person is frequently not aware of the purpose of these behaviors.

Acceptance and Commitment Therapy helps the person receiving services to begin to recognize these patterns and behaviors that are keeping them stuck and to see these things from a different angle. This allows them to begin to make different choices that lead toward their stated values by committing to new behaviors.