Learning to Recognize Your Shadow Self

Maybe you have been hearing a lot about the shadow self lately and you have been wondering, “what is the shadow within”, and “how can I identify my shadow self”?  The shadow self is an inner part of you that you hide from yourself and the world.  You can recognize your shadow in your feelings about other people and this is enacted in a behavior called projection.

Projection is your judgment of others and the behaviors or characteristics that they display that you despise.  Some examples of the traits that are projected are selfishness, cruelty, entitlement, and many others that are regarded as socially unacceptable or deemed to be “bad” or “wrong”.  It’s an interesting concept that your projection of characteristics onto others is nothing more than a revelation of your own characteristics that you refuse or are unable to recognize for what they are.  By unconsciously suppressing your own undesirable characteristics, you are constantly hiding from yourself and others the shadow that lies within.

Your unconscious is constantly in a battle with your ego to release the shadow and so it seeks out ways to reveal it to you through your perceptions of others.  Meanwhile, your ego is busy trying to convince you that you are a good person, maybe even perfect, and that you have no negative characteristics or that they are minimal compared to others.  By refusing to accept your shadow parts, you are giving them power over you.  Suppressing your shadow is like trying to hold a ball under the water, it is lying just below the surface and occasionally, your strength gives out and the ball pops up for the world to see.  You scramble to push it back down before your dirty little secret is revealed. Another reaction to the revelation of your shadow could be calling it something else or justifying the behavior.  This is known as rationalization.  You may explain away your behavior as being “justified” or you may minimize the importance of your behavior as being “no big deal” or maybe you even blame your behavior on someone else.

This happens because your ego can’t accept that you have these undesirable qualities and must find a way to approve of your undesirable behavior.  “It’s ok because…”, “That’s not what I’m doing…”, or “It’s not the same as…”.Your unconscious mind is continually looking for ways to show you these parts of yourself through the behaviors of others.  The more of your shadow you repress, the more your unconscious mind wants to bring it into the light.  It creates situations for you to be able to recognize your shadow by your own behaviors (“I don’t know why I did/do that”) and your reactions to others (“I can’t believe they did/do that”).  This begins to create a conflict within yourself that starts to affect your physical body with sensations that include fear, sadness, frustration, and others that eventually lead to anxiety, depression, or anger.

Part of the problem lies in the fact that you are labeling behaviors as either good or bad.  This usually happens early in life when parents identify “bad” behaviors and insist that they be repressed.  When undesirable behaviors are repressed, this leads to shame.  Shame is a feeling that “I am bad”, as opposed to “I did something bad” or even “I did something someone else didn’t like”.  The problem with this is that it can lead to perfectionistic thinking.  The reason that perfectionistic thinking is problematic is that it causes those struggling with it to set unrealistic goals and expectations for themselves and sometimes others.  Obviously, perfection is not something that is achievable, and this leads to suppression of parts of yourself that you feel others may not like or may be judged as “bad”.

This is not to say that there are not behaviors that are bad in general, but to recognize that people are human and from time to time they will do bad things.  This acceptance is crucial to being able to integrate all the parts of yourself without labeling them as good or bad and accepting that they just are.  Accepting these traits in yourself can also help you recognize them in others and judge both yourself and others less harshly.

It is very difficult to recognize your own shadow because you keep it hidden from yourself.  For this reason, it is important to look at your reactions to others and explore what is causing this reaction.  It is very easy to see the undesirable qualities of others but much more difficult to accept them within yourself.  In my work with clients, I help them to begin identifying what their reactions to others reveal about themselves and their own qualities.  I help them to integrate and accept all the parts of themselves and forgive themselves for the behaviors that the undesirable parts of themselves display.  In turn, this helps them to forgive others for their imperfections and undesirable qualities.

Everything in the universe seeks balance.  Darkness needs light, happiness needs sadness, joy needs pain, and good needs bad.  It is impossible to be part of the universe without having this balance and nothing is the universe is without balance.  To set an expectation of yourself or others that they will be all good with no bad is an unreasonable and unrealistic expectation.  We need balance to function in the universe and to live meaningful lives.

Upon examining the labels of good and bad, you will come to find that good without bad would be a monotonous bore, and bad without good would lead to a chaotic and frustrating life full of misery, but a balance of both leads to happiness.  Too often, people think of these behaviors in extreme all or nothing, black or white thinking.  Often, behaviors labeled as bad are also fun, exciting, enjoyable and lead to fulfillment.  They can involve risk taking and sometimes reward.  Behaviors labeled as good also lead to rewards and are more frequently aligned with stability and routine.  The goal should be to find balance between all the parts of yourself and be able to accept yourself for who you are.

The more passion and self-righteous indignation you have about something that someone else is doing the more likely it is that you are also doing this thing and calling it something else.  By “this thing”, I don’t mean a specific behavior, I mean the underlying character trait that the person is displaying.  Throughout our lives we all display every positive and negative character trait.  To be able to accept that we are all imperfect and have both light and dark qualities is the pathway to emotional balance and freedom.

So now you are wondering, how can I start to recognize my shadow and see it more clearly?

• Pay attention to your body sensations and notice when you are annoyed or angry with something someone else is doing.
• Ask yourself what is this person really doing? What kind of person would do this?
• Identify the character trait associated with the feeling.
• Ask yourself when do I also do this?
• Find examples of times that you were also displaying this character trait.
• Sometimes other people will tell you when you are displaying this character trait, don’t dismiss it when people give criticism, evaluate it.
• Accept that this trait is part of you, own it.
• Avoid labeling the trait as “bad” just accept that it is part of you.
• Identify ways that the trait may be helpful sometimes in its less extreme form.
• Forgive yourself for being imperfect and forgive the person who revealed the trait to you as well.

If you have trouble identifying shadow traits, it can be helpful to work with a counselor.  Having someone to talk to who has no other agenda than helping you understand yourself better and achieve your goals can give you the freedom to be honest and open and the opportunity to receive sincere feedback.