10 Tips for Productive Conversations with People Who Don’t Share Your Beliefs
In today’s divided world, it’s more important than ever to engage in meaningful conversations with those who think differently from us. Whether it’s about politics, religion, social issues, or personal values, having a productive discussion with someone who holds opposing views can be challenging—but not impossible. Here are ten tips to help you navigate these conversations with respect, curiosity, and effectiveness.
1. Start with an Open Mind
Approach the conversation as an opportunity to learn, not to win. Being open to hearing another perspective doesn’t mean you have to agree, but it does allow for genuine dialogue rather than debate. Start the conversation with the assumption that you are here to understand and find common ground.
2. Listen More Than You Speak
Active listening is the most important part of creating productive conversations. Instead of planning your next response while the other person is talking, truly focus on what they’re saying. Ask clarifying questions to ensure you understand their point of view and as make sure that you are both assigning the same meaning to words used in the conversation. More than listening to content, listen to the underlying emotions and validate that emotion that is driving the statement. “I understand that you feel angry about your perception that people are taking your job opportunities, that would be very frustrating” Validating their feelings does not automatically validate their conclusion that was reached as a result of the feelings.
3. Find Common Ground
Even with major disagreements, there’s often some shared values or experiences. Highlighting commonalities can create a sense of connection and make the conversation more constructive. “ I agree with what you said about there seeming to be less jobs available today than there were in the past” By finding areas you can agree it becomes more clear that you are not on opposite sides but perhaps have different viewpoints of the same problem.
4. Use “I feel” Statements Instead of “You” Statements
Saying “I see things differently because…” is far more effective than “You’re wrong because…”. Framing your perspective in a non-confrontational way reduces defensiveness and keeps the discussion respectful. It is important here to differentiate “I feel (insert feeling word) and “I feel like you” (insert blaming statement). Make sure you are actually expressing a feeling, for example, “I feel unheard, it seems like the subject has changed from my concern to your judgments of me as a person”. Notice the use of “it seems like” in the statement. This is an important part of reducing feelings of conflict or confrontation as it is a soft approach to express my perception of you without being certain, blaming or judging.
5. Avoid Personal Attacks
Stick to the issue at hand and avoid making the discussion about the other person’s character. Name-calling or questioning someone’s intelligence only shuts down meaningful dialogue. Other types of personal attacks include using a sarcastic or mocking tone in a show of contempt, making labeling statements like you are evil, you are a racist, you are a ‘libtard’. These are not productive in a conversation and lead to instant defensiveness or counterattack, and this is a diversionary tactic commonly used by those who are making arguments without any facts to back up their point of view.
6. Stay Calm and Manage Your Emotions
Disagreements can be frustrating, but letting emotions take over can derail the conversation. If you start feeling overwhelmed, take a deep breath or even a break before continuing. It is not required to continue participating in an escalating conversation. It is sometimes appropriate to express that the conversation is escalating and not getting anywhere because of elevated emotions and to agree to discuss things later.
7. Be Curious, Not Combative
Instead of challenging someone aggressively, ask thoughtful questions. “What led you to that belief?” or “How did you come to see it that way?” can open the door to understanding rather than argument. Asking questions may help to give more context and understanding to where the other person is coming from. It is important to ask questions out of genuine curiosity and avoid taking general responses that don’t agree with your values or perceptions personally. Detach from your emotions and ask yourself, what is this person feeling, what is really at the heart of this perception, value or statement.
8. Acknowledge When They Make a Good Point
If the other person says something insightful or valid, recognize it. This shows that you’re engaging in good faith and encourages a more balanced discussion. Even if you don’t agree with the point, the other person’s point can still be valid. Maybe there are parts of their statement that you can agree with. Try to find the kernel of truth in what the other person is saying or at least validate that if you perceived things that way, you would probably feel the same.
9. Know When to Agree to Disagree, Cultivate Acceptance
Some conversations won’t end in agreement—and that’s okay. The goal isn’t necessarily to change someone’s mind but to foster mutual understanding and respect. “I think we are going to have to agree to disagree on that” It’s ok if they see things differently than you do. Everyone does not have to think, feel and act the same as you on every point. Understanding that everyone is different and that they have different areas of strength and weakness is crucial. Just because someone has a different point of view does not mean they are wrong. It just means they are different from you, and that’s ok and sometimes beneficial. Acceptance is a healthy response to the things we cannot change. Accepting that others do not feel the same as we do, or that a change has happened, or that someone else’s behavior or perspective is not what we desire is a sign of emotional intelligence, maturity and strength.
10. End on a Positive Note
Even if you disagree, leave the conversation with kindness. A simple “I appreciate the discussion” or “Thanks for sharing your perspective” can go a long way in maintaining relationships despite differences. It is important to show other people that they have value as people living in the world. We don’t have to agree on the best way to do things, but we do have to treat each other with respect if we want to be able to have ongoing conversations and continue to build and maintain relationships.
Final Thoughts
Having conversations with people who don’t share your beliefs is an essential skill in today’s world, but this skill seems to be lost as time progresses and tribalism takes over. By approaching discussions with patience, respect, and curiosity, we can bridge divides and create more understanding, even in the most difficult conversations.
What strategies have worked for you in tough discussions? Share your experiences in the comments!